I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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