how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
