I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
