Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
