we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
