I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
