saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
