We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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