don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
