i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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