Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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