He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
