It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How naked do you want me to be?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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