Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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