I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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