I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
