I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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