I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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