I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
