I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
