Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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