why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
