I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
