i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
