The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
