My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
