if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
