Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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