he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
