I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
