I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
