he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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