don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
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I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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