Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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