I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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