Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
