I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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