Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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