Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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