I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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