Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
