I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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