buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
