I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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