So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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