new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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