I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
