I'm pants shitting drunk right now
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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