I have demons in me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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