Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
