I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Small penises have feelings too.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
