so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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