remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
