Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
