i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know her cup size but not her name....
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